As you know, the entire continent of Africa is a charity case. Well that's the story at least, as dictated from on high by the ever-expanding galaxy of celebrities who lead the appeal. Bill Gates, Bono and Angelina Jolie are the brightest stars of the movement, and it's worth thinking about precisely what that means. It means that the world's richest man, the world's biggest rock star and the world's most beautiful woman, not content with those puny titles, are now leading a cause to do good. The citizens of the continent are invited to simply hold out their hands, cast their gaze heavenward, and bask in the glorious luminosity.
Is this true charity, or is it simply narcissism masquerading as altruism? It can be hard to tell, since these stars shine bright, occulting the observation of anything even remotely resembling actual news. Amid all the hubbub and the glamour shots, it's easy to get disoriented. So here's a chart. [Note: the apparent luminosity of a star is measured along a decreasing scale. -1 is the brightest, 6 is the limit of human perception.]
★ Angelina Jolie
Apparent Luminosity: 0
What is she gonna do with all those babies? Seriously what. It's gonna be like an army. Are they gonna have playdates with Suri Cruise? Are they gonna do bumps with Dakota Fanning and Francis Bean Cobain? Will that girl from Little Miss Sunshine somehow be involved? How does Brad Pitt feel about all of this? You'll notice I'm not discussing Africa here.
★ Ben Affleck
Apparent Luminosity: 3
Did the usual celebrity press junket into a war-torn hell (eastern DRC) but had the good sense to keep a low profile. You probably didn't hear about it, unless you watch Dateline. (You don't, cause you have America's Best Dance Crew on DVR.) Anyways, not one of the main offenders on this list, but my thinking is that he should join forces with Dane Cook and Matthew McConaughey, forming an alliance that, while not providing much-needed food, or medicine, should at least keep the continent rich in douche.
★ Bill Gates
Apparent Luminosity: -1
With every mouse-click on your Windows Genuine Advantage excel spreadsheet, you enrich the swollen coffers of Uncle Bill just a little more, and that money is immediately distributed to buy anti-malarial bed nets for vulnerable Africans. Well maybe not immediately. First it's percolated through the filters of sun-burnt development assholes like myself. It gets there eventually, I guess, through a process that is about as efficient and transparent as Microsoft Windows itself. But don't blame me; I'm a Mac. *sniffs, sips latte*
★ Bob Geldof
Apparent Luminosity: 3 [0 for persons born before 1975]
Washed-up Irish rock star who started the first wave of African celebrity charity, in the 80s. Remember Live Aid? No? Me neither. Anyways, it was Geldof's baby, meant to shame the wealthy Westerner into feeding the starving Ethiop. Never mind that starving its own citizens was a deliberate policy of the Mengistu regime, who had already bilked both the Soviet Union and the US for close to $1 billion a year in arms funding, and had so much guns and ammo they literally couldn't store them all. We don't have room for that kind of subtlety. Listen to these bands! Aren't they great? Give us your fucking money.
★ Bono
Apparent Luminosity: -1
Another whinging, self-righteous Irish blowhard, who, not content with ruining rock music for three decades, stuck his podgy nose where it definitely did not belong: debt relief for West Africa. Not to debate the merits of his case (which he never understood particularly well himself) but he either saved a bunch of people from their own impoverished governments OR stifled indigenous opposition for a generation under the weight of his own bloated celebrity. Or maybe both.
★ Eve Ensler
Apparent Luminosity: 4
Took one of the most despicable human-rights situations of our time (mass rape in the Congo) and turned the focus back squarely to where it should belong: her vagina. Seriously lady, haven't we heard enough about that thing? Put it away already before we all get sucked into its gaping maw. Also, what is your NYC-performance art piece going to accomplish in terms of demobilizing a bunch of sociopathic former child soldiers in a distant and unpoliceable jungle?
★ Madonna
Apparent Luminosity: 1
The vainest and most mercenary of them all. Does anyone believe, for even a second, that Madonna gives even one-eighth of a flying crap what happens in Africa? Or that she's adopting Malawian orphans out of the goodness of her heart, as opposed to the resultant publicity bonanza? The only thing Madonna has ever, ever cared about it is that the media spotlight is shining directly and forever on herself, and no one else. As Matt Taibbi wrote of Ann Coulter, she "would fuck a hippopotamus if she thought it would boost her Q rating."
★ Mia Farrow
Apparent Luminosity: 5
Like that old guy who hangs around the record store, Mia Farrow was into saving Africa before it was cool. She adopted a bunch of black babies while Angelina Jolie was still in diapers. She campaigned for polio vaccinations while you were listening to Raffi. She accused Sudan of genocide before you'd ever even heard of Omar Al-Bashir. The first in the new wave of celebutard dingbats (or maybe just the last holdout from the last wave), but let's give the old biddy her due, huh? Save Darfur.
★ Michael Jackson
Apparent Luminosity: 2
OK, I know we shouldn't speak ill of the dead, and I'm pretty sure MJ thought of Africa as a magical fantasyland full of naked children where he could ride a giraffe up a rainbow to the chimpanzee parliament on top of Mt. Kilimanjaro, and I know that, in his childish, underappreciated heart of gold, MJ was not motivated by the same vainglorious impulses as the rest of the moralizing narcissists on this list, but, c'mon, have you heard "We Are the World?" That song is a crime against humanity.
★ Peter Gabriel
Apparent Luminosity: 6
So he started this thing called "Witness", which does videographic reporting on human rights abuses throughout the world, distributing cameras to local opposition movements. As far as I can tell, he did this not to capitalize on his (now long-forgotten) celebrity, or to give himself a self-congratulatory hand-job, but basically just to tell some stories that otherwise would have been totally ignored by the world at large. I am 100% behind this and have nothing bad to say about it. Give them ten dollars, would ya?
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