a portfolio of penury

To be here is to have people ask you for money, and the temptation to succumb can be overwhelming. Of course, you can go through official charity channels, like an NGO or a GSE or some religious group, but then you're just wasting the money on assholes like me. The best way is to give direct, right on the street. But be careful; the more you give, the more they'll ask. Here's a guide:

basic street kid
Shoeless, snot-nosed, and malnourished. Looks eight but is probably more like twelve. Calls you "boss", or "patrão" in the lusophone spheres. Is very hungry and wants some money so he can get something to eat.
Heartbreak factor: 5

fake basic street kid
A relatively well-heeled kid who is masquerading as a basic street since he thinks you can't tell the difference. But you can: just look for the shoes. "O, patrão, 'stou com fome." Bullshit. I just saw you score a goal in that soccer field over here, spot me, then come running over to hustle. You aren't any more com fome than I am. Get your mother to fix you dinner.
Heartbreak factor: 0

glue-sniffing street kid
A hard case. Glazed eyes and drool. Is too high to even ask you for money; just holds out his hand.
Heartbreak factor: 6

thuggish street kid
Approaching adulthood. Asks you for money, then stands there menacingly. If you say no, he'll follow you. Say no loud enough and he'll threaten to kill you. "I know your face." I came close to punching one of these guys once.
Heartbreak factor: 1

toddler (possibly orphaned)
A Nairobi specialty. 4 years old, female, head shaved, usually wearing a Sunday dress stained with dirt. She's tagging along with her older sister, who does the talking. She just looks at you imploringly.
Heartbreak factor: 8

toddler (possibly orphaned) holding a puppy
See above, but with a six-week old puppy in her arms. She's trying to sell you the dog, but whatever you do DON'T BUY IT. My friend fell for this one in Nairobi. She paid a couple hundred bob for the animal, then watched in horror as it introduced canine distemper to the entire humane society with a 50% mortality rate.
Heartbreak factor: 4 (10 if you buy the dog)

kid asking you for a pen
In Africa a pen is worth its weight in gold, or at least in matooke. The kids follow you for blocks asking for one. They'll even show you their schoolbooks. Gaze in shame at the half-completed multiplication table that kid is waving in your face: if you don't give him the means to complete it, you're condemning him to a lifetime of poor math skills, a vicious cycle of poverty, a horrible disease and an early grave. I brought a whole box of pens to some kids in Jinja, and they treated me like a superhero.
Heartbreak factor: 3

basic rural kid
"Hey, mzungu! How are you!" He doesn't ask you for money, since there's not anywhere to spend it for a hundred kilometers. He doesn't ask you for a pen either, since he's already a full-time farm laborer even though he's only seven. He doesn't even ask you for food, even though he obviously needs it. He just wants to touch you, to confirm that there really is such a thing as white people and you aren't some kind of ghost. Take a picture of him with your digital camera, then show it to him: you'll change his whole perception of reality.
Heartbreak factor: 3

roadside refugees
I did a whole post on this.
Heartbreak factor: 4

mother with newborn baby
She looks about 55, but she must still be of child-bearing age; she's got a newborn slung on her back and two toddlers in tow. Unclear how she ended up in this pitiful state. Ex-prostitute, maybe?
heartbreak factor: 7

blind mother with newborn baby
Brutal. See above but with milky blue cataracts. Will nurse her kid right in front of you. Her tit has some kind of sore on it.
heartbreak factor: 9

polio victim
Another hard case, but fortunately there's some NGO or health initiative around that buys these guys hand-powered trikes. Some of them attach a basket to the back and try to sell you rotten fruit. Others just sit there. Try not to stare at their withered, shrimpy limbs.
heartbreak factor: 7

indigent albino
Wearing a hat. Skin red and peeling. She looks like she's been burned alive, and if you think about it, she has. In rural areas she might be killed and eaten for her magic flesh. That's why she's here, in the city, on the street, in front of you.
heartbreak factor: 8

drunk slum-dweller
He's been drinking waragi since breakfast. Stumbles and asks you for money. Will try to touch the girls, if you are with girls. May puke on your shoes.
Heartbreak factor: 2

drunk pygmy
See above, but 4'6". More frequently encountered in rural areas. May proselytize.
Heartbreak factor: 4

man with no hands
This guy would hang out in front of the Girasol in Nampula, all day, every day. I often wondered how he lost his hands? Land mine? Birth defect? The truth is that they were probably chopped off by RENAMO thugs. I tried not to think about that. I once gave him a sack of twenty oranges. He held one with his stumps and peeled it open with his teeth.
Heartbreak factor: 10

african development minister
He wants money for a rural development project. He doesn't want to pay any interest. He doesn't want any auditing oversight. He doesn't have a business plan. He won't make projections about how many people it well help. He's friendly with the country's World Bank represenative. "My people are hungry. Please help us enter the 21st century." Really? Cause judging from your Mercedes and your wingtips, pal, you're already there.
Heartbreak factor: -20